I was 29 when I moved back to North Carolina, pregnant and without having that many friends after having been away for 9 years. Naturally, I looked up some people I had known in my childhood but not necessarily stayed in touch with. One was a girl that I had known through swimming so our relationship was developed over a long period of time. We were discussing growing up and she told me that she had a lot of regrets and the following conversation took place:
Her: “I have a lot of regrets from when I was in high school and college”
Me: “What kind of regrets?”
Her: “I was slutty and slept around a lot”
Me: “So? That was a long time ago.”
Her: “I just can’t forgive myself for behaving that way”
Me: “That’s crazy. Why does it even matter at this point?”
Her: “I just can’t move beyond it. Don’t you feel that way?”
Me: (I was pretty wild in my ill spent youth so this was a valid question)
“No, I don’t believe in regrets.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Really. I DON’T believe in regrets!”
Her: “What does that mean Lynn?”
Me: “Looking back on my life, there are a lot of situations that I shouldn’t have been in. There were a lot of comments I made to people that were awful and yes, I do feel bad about that. There were decisions that I made at the time that seemed good, and turned out to be awful, that have definitely made me think about my choices. And especially when I was drinking, things seem like a great idea and often that didn’t turn out to be the case.”
Her: “…and…”
Me: “But given all that, I still don’t regret anything.”
Her: “How is that possible?”
Me: “It’s possible because I like where I am today and the person I’ve become. I like my life. Yeah, I’ve made mistakes and done plenty of things that I’m not proud of but those incidents were the stepping stones on the path that I walked. Without them, who knows what I’d be like today. Maybe I wouldn’t be this person, with this relationship. Maybe I wouldn’t be pregnant with this child. Is it possible I’d have another great life? Sure it’s possible. I have no way of knowing. So no, I wouldn’t change a thing.”
To this day, I feel the same way. If I could go back and be nicer to people (or at least not shit on them the way I apparently did back in college), then I would. But I can’t. I’m sorry if my behaviors upset some people. I’ve tried to apologize to the people that I hurt if I still have any contact with them. I do feel bad that I, in some way, contributed to screwing up somebody else’s life. At any rate, I’ve dealt with my own possible diagnosis of MS, my brothers traumatic car wreck injuries, my parents’ deaths, my son’s autism diagnosis, my daughter’s tumor and plenty of other shit along the line. If I did not have the coping skills that come along with constantly having had to dig myself out of holes, it is possible that last year (the year of Keely’s fucking huge tumor) would have been worse for me and everyone in my family.
So no, I don’t believe in regrets. What’s the point of kicking yourself over something that happened a long time ago? If you need to apologize to somebody, apologize. If you need to rectify a situation, do so but seriously, WHY waste your time and energy over something that happened in the past and that there is absolutely no way you could change. Unless you hate who you are now, then get over it. I did. And if you do hate who you are now, you really should be looking into why you don’t like yourself NOW rather than reflecting on stuff that happened long ago that you can’t affect.
So, now you know two things about me. One: I don’t believe in worrying about things out of your control and two: I don’t believe in regrets. Stick with me in this blog and we will eventually get to number three: set the bar low. I have no lack of personal credos and I hope you get to hear them all!
